Time for Teletubbies!

Today I was flipping the channels looking for that soap opera full of busty women on Univision, when I came across this show, Teletubbies on PBS. Man, that show will make you bash in your own skull.

It started out with this pinwheel spinning around and this sun with a baby’s face in it. Then there was this farting sound and this thing that looked like a periscope popped out of the ground. A British woman said, “Time for Teletubbies” about eight times, and then these multi colored monkeys with sex toys on their heads lined up and announced their gibberish names. After that, they all started fucking each other. Well, it may have been a group hug, I wasn’t sure, I shut my eyes.

Then that farting periscope popped out again and the British woman said, “Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.” The monkeys started giggling and screamed, “Again!” and the British woman said it another five thousand times or so. 

“Going up…” said the British lady. The green monkey and the yellow monkey went up to the top of the hill. “Going down!” They walked down while giggling. This happened over and over again until I wanted to throw a ketchup bottle through the screen, as my grandpa often threatens.

All the monkeys started running around and they laid down on the ground and started having seizures. Then the red one’s stomach turned into a TV and a group of the dumbest looking kids you've ever seen appeared and just screamed at the top of their for no reason! Unfortunately, nobody was there to send them back to the coal mines. All of the kids introduced themselves, and they all had awful names like Caleb. I think there may have been three Calebs. 

Anyway, they all darted behind a hill and shouted, “UP!” All of their heads came popping up like a Whack-A-Mole game, but unfortunately they were on TV so there was no way to hit them. Then they all screamed “DOWN!” and all of them ducked down (except for a couple of especially dumb kids who just stood there with shit-eating grins on their faces). They did that about thirty times or so.

After all the kids shrieked goodbye, it went back to the monkeys. All the monkeys seemed disappointed that the screaming children were gone, so they started crying, “Again, again!” And sure enough, they showed the whole freaking thing again! The entire segment! From start to finish! They could make an entire season of this show in a day!

There was more screaming and giggling, but fortunately I went into a stress-induced coma and when I woke up, Red Green was on. Hhhhhell yeah! Keep your stick on the ice!